Historical interview: the following preserves the research experiences and personal views expressed in the original manuscript.
During a PhD, almost everyone experiences enormous psychological pressure. Some break down, show vulnerability, or choose to leave; others emerge stronger, becoming version 2.0 of themselves. A steady state of mind is crucial for PhD researchers, especially women. Are you troubled by impostor syndrome? Do you lack confidence or a sense of self-worth? Today, let us hear how these women have dealt with the psychological hurdles they encountered during their PhDs.
Introducing this issue’s guests:
Doreen: PhD graduate working at a state-owned enterprise. Supervisor: female; laboratory male-to-female ratio: 1:1.
Calorie: postdoctoral researcher. Supervisor: female; laboratory male-to-female ratio: 1:1.
Cotton Candy: PhD student. Supervisor: male; laboratory male-to-female ratio: 1:1.2.
Fantuan: PhD student. Supervisor: male; laboratory male-to-female ratio: 4:1.
Impostor syndrome
[Impostor syndrome: difficulty attributing personal achievements to one’s abilities, fear that others will eventually discover one is an impostor, and a frequent belief that one does not deserve success.]
Question 01: Do you experience impostor syndrome?
Calorie: I did not have impostor syndrome as a child. I was incredibly confident and believed I was exceptional without needing any reason. In recent years, however, it has become very apparent in me. My supervisor sometimes talks with me about it; she thinks I have this problem, and that many women in our group do too.
Cotton Candy: my experience is the opposite. When I began my PhD, I was clearly not very confident. I always thought I was not doing well enough, doubted myself, and felt undeserving. My supervisor once told me I lacked confidence, and initially I did not disagree. Later, positive feedback from research gave me greater confidence in my abilities, and I continued building on that healthier mindset. I am much more confident now and no longer repeatedly ask whether I deserve the results I want. My doubts are less intense, and I feel more determined. I also trust my intuition more: when I want to pursue a project or direction, I do so more firmly.
Fantuan: I was fairly confident when I began my PhD. I learned quickly and worked in a familiar field. After changing direction, though, I became less confident and questioned whether my results were truly reliable. I felt uncertain, without “official” recognition; my confidence had not really been established. My supervisor once told me to appreciate my data: if I did not believe strongly in it myself, other people would be even less likely to appreciate my results. Even after the paper was published, I still felt slightly insecure, as though the work were not something I could have produced myself. I kept moving between affirming and doubting myself. Later, collaboration with a company produced results that received outside recognition, and things improved somewhat.
[What we want to say: confidence may come from knowing what we can do. We may not be all-powerful, but ability can still give us a firm footing!]
Does confidence differ by gender?
Question 02: Is confidence related to gender?
Doreen: I have not noticed a major difference between men and women in confidence. Our group’s male-to-female ratio is about one to one, and some men always seem uncertain. I think it has more to do with personality, regardless of gender. Confidence can develop through outside recognition of your achievements. Someone may be very capable but not appear confident if they receive no recognition. Most women pursuing PhDs around me are relatively assertive and acknowledge their abilities. I do not think they consider themselves inferior to men.
Calorie: one clear difference I feel is that male students seem more satisfied with their work, while women do not rate themselves as highly and usually think their work is not good enough. It is not that we are worse than male PhD students; women seem to demand more of themselves. Men, by contrast, seem more tolerant of their own mistakes.
Cotton Candy: women who reach the PhD stage generally have more confidence in their abilities and believe they can solve problems. I have not strongly felt an obvious difference between male and female researchers’ performance. People do not really come to you often to boast about their achievements.
Fantuan: everyone in my group except me is male. Perhaps they grew up being taught that boys should show confidence and bear difficulties themselves, however hard things become. They do not reveal those difficulties to outsiders and keep saying they are fine, doing exceptionally well.
Question 03: Why do we lack confidence?
Cotton Candy: I think an appropriate degree of confidence is good and allows you to show a positive side of yourself. Blind confidence, however, is not so good.
Calorie: returning to impostor syndrome, I do not think it is related either to absolute certainty about one’s abilities or to others’ evaluations. Why did I feel symptoms only later? Perhaps because the more you do, the more you realize how much you do not understand, making it easier to feel that your work has little meaning.
After spending a long time in this field, you may see many meaningful research questions and feel that your own work is not particularly significant. The world is large, with so much to explore.
Question 04: Confidence from within or confidence from outside?
Doreen: the confidence we display usually requires our own resources and some evidence to convince people around us that it is not blind confidence. We need personal achievements and feedback from a third party to make that confidence more persuasive.
Especially at my workplace, some people act very confident without producing results or bringing greater benefits to the company. Other people see that confidence as ridiculous. When confidence is backed by real achievements, it is more valuable and convincing. I think there is a substantial difference between these two kinds.
Cotton Candy: externally based confidence depends heavily on others’ evaluations and is somewhat fragile. If a long period of effort still brings no positive feedback, the disappointment can be substantial and may create a series of problems. If you are confident from within, however, your attitude toward situations is different and more positive. I do not know whether others feel the same, but there are many people from other countries in my laboratory. I clearly notice that Chinese people often want to provide a large amount of experimental work when presenting their results to demonstrate their case. Students from other countries can often take a single point and make an audience find it interesting with relatively limited work.
Calorie: a senior student once said his supervisor asked him to propose a project that could last five to ten years, but rejected each proposal. Another white student in the group, he felt, had virtually nothing to present but was very good at explaining and developing it, making the subject seem lively. The supervisor thought the student had ideas and that the project was excellent. Students from other countries can indeed be stronger at this.
This raises another question for me: does an ordinary person not deserve to show that they like themselves? Suppose I am very ordinary, perhaps even below average. Am I not allowed to show self-acceptance or confidence?
Cotton Candy: personally, I do not think confidence must be based on comparison with others. It can be expressed in other ways.
Doreen: but I think that if you want to demonstrate confidence, you need comparison with others. You need to understand more than others to show that confidence. If everyone is about the same, why should you be the one speaking? Whether confidence comes from within or outside, showing it to others still requires something behind it. Without that support, it is not convincing. This is even more pronounced in companies: you must have substance behind it to gain recognition.
Fantuan: I think ability is what gives us confidence. If I am ordinary compared with those around me, how can I show confidence? First, after reaching PhD level, you certainly have a solid knowledge base and skill set in your specialized field. We may fall short of some people, but outperform others; could that give us an objective basis for confidence?
If we are at roughly the same research level, perhaps I am stronger in other areas: better at managing daily life, with a better temperament, or possessing a particular talent. Even without making an explicit comparison, that reflects personal ability and gives me somewhere to shine. Could those strengths support my inner world?
Calorie: first, confidence really does depend on comparison with others in at least one respect. Second, everyone may have something in which they are stronger and can shine.
Question 05: Has your PhD increased your confidence?
Doreen: undergraduate study lays a foundation of basic knowledge, whereas master’s and doctoral study build on that foundation to discover new knowledge. After my PhD, I felt my ability to learn independently and explore had improved greatly compared with undergraduate study.
Calorie: I do not feel that my decision-making or independent thinking has improved. I still have a very strong student mindset: assuming that my level will naturally bring corresponding opportunities, rather than actively seeking or requesting them. Other abilities, such as collaboration and communication, have improved.
Cotton Candy: the greatest ability I have gained is confidence that I can solve an unclear problem. I investigate it thoroughly and want to understand its underlying nature. My interests broaden, and that investigation helps me discover things I find even more interesting. I then want to know why, leading to more output. I think that process is quite good.
Fantuan: my PhD experience has improved my ability to express myself. I proactively ask my supervisor for things and state my views and needs. Previously, many things were arranged for me and seemed to happen naturally: what was yours would come to you. At this stage, however, you realize that unless you pursue certain things yourself, others will not notice your needs.
Cotton Candy: I strongly agree. Especially in a large group, supervisors struggle to attend to each person’s small needs. Learning to communicate with a supervisor is an important part of a PhD. Good communication helps the supervisor understand your circumstances and provide more substantial, effective support.
[What we want to say: confidence is not tied to gender. We may need outside recognition, but it is not everything; learn to appreciate yourself too!]
Do women cope less well with psychological pressure?
Question 06: Have you cried during your PhD?
Doreen: sometimes my emotions do fluctuate greatly. For example, I may think an idea is workable before a group meeting, only for the supervisor to reject it outright after my presentation. That can affect me strongly, and I occasionally cry, especially during my period. I usually do not let others know. Crying is not showing weakness or denying my own worth; it may simply be a quick way to release and regulate emotion. I may feel furious and miserable, but crying can settle my mood quickly. I think it is good for my health too.
Some women pursuing PhDs seem completely indestructible, like formidable older sisters. They have firm opinions and ideas about everything and never display a delicate, vulnerable persona. Others are at the opposite extreme: they cry before the supervisor has even spoken.
Cotton Candy: my emotions do not fluctuate greatly. Some women have stronger fluctuations, which can create considerable difficulties for other group members. People may become apprehensive about working with them because they do not know what might upset them. My personal view is that you should not frequently bring negative emotions into the laboratory.
Calorie: my own ability to handle pressure is strong, and overall my emotions are very stable. Perhaps I do not care intensely about many things. When I hear others complain, I often feel the issue is not particularly serious. I do not cry, and I never even tell my family about laboratory matters. I feel I can use the time I might spend crying to do something instead. But people care about different things; if something matters deeply to you, of course you may break down. From my observations, however, women actually cope with psychological pressure better than men.
[What we want to say: breaking down does not mean weakness; sometimes a good cry can be healthier!]
Question 07: Is showing vulnerability an effective strategy?
Doreen: a few young women in our group often show vulnerability and cry whenever the supervisor says something. But it has not brought much benefit; showing weakness does not necessarily make the supervisor help. If it continues for a long time, the supervisor may stop giving useful information and adopt a hands-off attitude. That vulnerability can therefore negatively affect personal development.
Calorie: I have never done that and personally find it embarrassing. Even if it brings benefits, I suspect they are usually one-off or occasional. We do not gain sustained benefits from showing vulnerability; nobody keeps providing help simply because they sympathize with or pity you.
Fantuan: I feel women pursuing PhDs generally have very strong resilience. Perhaps because only one or two out of a hundred experiments succeed, we constantly adjust our psychological expectations. We develop a high capacity for facing adversity or letting things affect us less.
I did once have an intense emotional reaction, but regretted it afterward. I had gone a year without getting an experiment to work, and repeated failure caused considerable emotional turmoil. Eventually, I could not bear it and told my supervisor how I felt. I remember the response: “Experiments have ups and downs, just like your life.” But the moment I walked out, I regretted it. That breakdown left a very poor impression: “You are emotionally unstable; I cannot give you difficult tasks.” It took about another year and a half to recover my standing with the supervisor, who only then assigned me new projects and trusted me again. I think you can break down, but should not release it to such a high-risk person as your supervisor. Find the right person and the right time. That may be something women pursuing PhDs need to learn.
[What we want to say: showing vulnerability carries risks; proceed carefully.]
Question 08: How do men and women differ in the way they break down?
Doreen: I previously described a woman in our group who broke down easily and frequently by crying. After one episode, the supervisor might not think that reflected her personality and might see her as upset about a particular matter. But when she cried repeatedly, the response became, “I will no longer pay attention when you cry,” leaving her without opportunities to grow. There was also a man who worked very hard and carried out the supervisor’s instructions diligently, but sometimes failed to obtain satisfactory results. He became silent for long periods, occasionally turning frighteningly red in the face. Shortly before graduating, he once directly challenged the supervisor, who was startled.
From those two small examples, I feel men and women differ considerably both in how they break down and in their ability to endure distress. When men break down, it can certainly be frightening too.
The woman’s outcome was not good either. Repeated breakdowns can make you lose opportunities to improve. The man kept enduring things, but during that time still received constructive advice from the supervisor that helped his later experiments. The two outcomes were completely different.
Cotton Candy: I have probably seen more breakdowns among women and have not seen many among men. Some women respond by disliking everything and feeling considerable hostility toward people around them, as well as crying.
Fantuan: I feel men often relieve emotions and pressure through swearing or other ways they find comfortable. We therefore do not usually notice such large emotional fluctuations in them.
Doreen: that is indeed one approach. Men may release feelings through swearing or complaining, but the negativity can affect others around them, so I think men should also be mindful of the extent.
[What we want to say: vulnerability may bring short-term benefits, but protect your reputation and value yourself; ultimately, growth is your own responsibility.]
A PhD is difficult—harder than reaching the sky. It is a marathon of psychological endurance, during which we may fall, go off course, or even give up. When research brings a breakdown, we should try not to remain defeated but turn it into an opportunity for growth. If you have chosen this difficult path, first find the courage and determination to love yourself, then remain resilient like a toy that always rights itself.
“Through a thousand blows and ten thousand hardships, still firm and strong, whatever winds may come from east, west, north, or south.” — “Bamboo and Rock,” Zheng Xie
May you all enjoy a rich inner life!
PhD participants: Doreen, Calorie, Cotton Candy, Fantuan
Editor: Honey Peach Oolong
Interview: Fantuan
Audio recording: Huangyuan Wandou (黄圆豌豆)
Sources and editorial history
Restored from a complete historical article exported from the PhDSciNet Official Account.
